Why I'm afraid of running

I've been afraid to get back into running. I freeze up, I get nervous, I do everything I can to get out of it.

After my run with the girls on Wednesday (which was awesome), I started thinking about why. Why was I so terrified of going for a run with them?

Junior High

When I was in 7th and 8th grade, I was a fat asthma kid. I affectionately call that girl - jogging suit set girl. I was cubby and wore whatever I could to hide it (FYI big clothes only make you look bigger but what do 13 year olds know eh?)

My gym teacher, Mrs. Chandler, was horrible to me. If you were on an athletics team, you could sail through. The rest of us, nightmare.

The worst of it - cross country running.

I was actually in the running team in grade 6. When I could drag myself out of bed (yep - night owl since birth), I'd run around the halls of our round school and got a medal in a track meet. Participatory medals count.

But junior high running was outdoors during allergy season. Not only was I out of shape, but I couldn't breath and the two kilometers were had to run might as well have been a marathon.

I got a doctors note excusing me from this cross country torture but my teacher made me run anyway. My mom got wind of this and was furious. So she called the Principle.

In the tenuous relationship between junior high teacher and junior high student, this was not a good move. I basically tattled on her. So began the taunting, the singling out and her telling the other kids I couldn't run because I was allergic to air...sigh.

The worst was the all school cross country run. I had to participate. My usual tactic was to run with the crowd until I was out of sight of the school and then walk and painfully half jog until it was finally over. But this was before the whole mom calling the office thing.

In front of the whole school, my amazingly kind (but misguided) Principal, placed his hand on my shoulder and gave me a pep talk. He said "I know you'll want to run, and you will feel peer pressure to run when the rest of them run, but you mustn't run. If you want, I can walk with you and keep you company"

Shoot me now. I shook my head no and hoped the ground would swallow me whole and transport me to the land of no running.

So everyone lined up and someone shouted go. Everyone took off and I walked. They ran farther and farther away and I still walked. I looked back to see if anyone was watching. Everyone was. My Principal have me a thumbs up. A piece of me died inside.

Beating the 2K

Eight years later, I worked at a gym and all the staff and members were doing a 24 hour relay for charity. The distance we had to run? 2 km. My old nemesis.

I decided to conquer it. I wasn't going to let it beat me again. It was my turn. My teammate rounded the corner and then the baton was in my hand. I was running. I was doing it.

I ran the entire 2 km. I wasn't the fastest but I ran 2 km for the first time in my life. I think my work mates were slightly concerned when I jumped up and down at the end shouting (the equivalent of) "In your face Mrs. Baker. Suck it. I can run 2k. I CAN RUN 2K!"

But the fear remains...

Despite that victory I panic with running especially if I'm running with a group or anyone or, if I'm being honest, on my own. I know I have to embrace the fear and move past it. I have a marathon in 4 months and I'm doing it. And I'm going to be great at it.

Anyone else have these fears? How do you overcome them?