Time for a change

I don't usually have a lot of time to sit down and think. But two weeks in South America with 15 flights under your belt, you can't help but do that. My friend Joe's recent post about returning to Soberville also got me thinking about what I was doing with my life.

My conclusion? I have to grow up.

Don't get me wrong. I'm grown up in lots of ways. I'm the age of an adult and I've been taking care of myself since I moved out at 17. I work hard (perhaps too much). But it's time that I take responsibility of the one person I'll be with to the end of my days: myself.

First things first. My weight. I've had plenty of ups and downs but until 4 years ago I was a steady average weight. I am now 50 pounds heavier. Say wha?

What's scary is not that I gained the weight of a large dog, but that this puts me in the BMI red zone. And that means I'm technically obese. I don't feel obese but medically that's what I am.

I can't ignore this anymore. This is what I mean about growing up. This year my father was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. This was because of his weight. I don't want this to happen to me too.

It's not that I'm saying I'm unhappy, it's just I don't feel right in my body. This isn't the me that I'm used to and I'd like to go back to being me.

This means I have to lose 35 pounds to be back in the healthy zone and my goal is to lose 50.

I remember a colleague of mine once telling me that after you're 30 you can't really lose weight so you're just how you're gonna be. The truth can't be further than that.

Look at my dad for instance. He has lost 50 pounds and looks healthier than ever. My mom and stepdad also had a wake up call and have been on an amazing road of healthy eating and exercise. They've even started yoga for the first time. I'm so very proud to say my mom lost 45 pounds and my stepdad has lost 60!

It's hard work. But it's important. This is the shell I've been given to walk around this planet in so I'd better take better care of it.

But it's not just the outside

In work situations, I'm bold, confident and outgoing. I'm like that with my friends and I'd say in most public situations. But somehow, whenever I'm dating someone I don't trust my gut.

I'm not going to blame the abusive relationship I got trapped in during my 20s or say this was because I grew up as the mediator in my family where I played middle man and protector more than asking for what I want.

I'm not a kid anymore.

I see the red flags but pretend them away into rainbows and kittens and anything but what they should be: a sign to get the hell out. I'm getting better at walking away but not before I beat myself up about it and question what I did wrong and how I can fix it. If you've done all that you could do, you don't need to expend energy trying to fix something that isn't there.

My friend Tony said it best: When you're younger, you're more maleable to others' opinions and likes etc. When you're in your 30s, you don't care because this is who you are. Love it or leave it.

If someone goes quiet on you, he or she is basically telling you that it's not working. It's cowardly, yes. I know I've done it before and it's happened to me (shocking I know). But I don't want that kind of behavior to shape the rest of my adult life.

So I am going to ask for what I want and if I get BS from a guy at the beginning of a relationship, I'll walk away. That is when it's supposed to be the best time - the romantic, lovely, warm and fuzzy time. If you're already taking third or fourth place, it's not going to get any better. And we all deserve better.

Why waste your time with the wrong person? We have better things to do than that.

What's next?

I have an exercise bike winging it's way to my house, I've stocked my fridge full of groceries that are actually fresh and lovely and I start back on running this week. I have a marathon to do in 6 months for Cancer Research UK and I'd rather carry a lighter me over that finish line. I'm also going to try my hand at surfing and hip hop classes with the girls. Eating and drinking don't have to be the only activities to do with friends!

And just as I'm going to invest in getting back to the healthy me, I'm going to invest time in my personal life as well. Saying yes but also saying no. If it's not there, it's not there. And that's OK.