Week eight: early mornings and zombie cravings

I have a cold coming on. Maybe it's my body's way of protesting running. Ha!

But I ache all over and missed my exercise routine yesterday morning. Not great as I'm missing it today as I had to take a 6 am trip to DC. I do love trains but I hate early mornings.

Mornings are the worst

Maybe one of the reasons I've not felt motivated to run as I'm getting up to exercise when I'm barely awake. Somehow, sitting on the bike and just moving my legs is an easy task. It's getting on trainers and walking out the door that my foggy head can't seem to comprehend.

Some solutions would be:
Just going for that run
Running at lunch
Running right after work

I'm not keen on running on the treadmill but as I'm failing to run in the week, I have to make another decision to get going on this. Treadmill tomorrow it is!

Craving crap like a zombie craves brains

The last couple of days I've been having cravings. Came out of nowhere! It's like I have super bat ears and can hear every crisp that everyone in the office is eating. Every crisp fluffy bite. I believe I'm not eating enough. I'm busy and rushing so I'm not putting enough calories in. Where I would have made bad snack choices, I'm having fruit and veg or nothing at all. It's the nothing at all that I'm worried about...

My biggest problem is dinner. I come home and I'm hungry but the tiredness is overtaking it so I have yogurt, fruit and nuts or like Tuesday night, also had a can of butter beans. Where's the veg!

The magic of cutting vegetables

My mom told me about a weight watchers trick. When you go grocery shopping, cut all the veggies and fruit and put in clear Tupperware. Then you know what you have and you'll be more likely to make healthy snack choices if they are as easy to eat as a pack of crisps.

This means I need to schedule prep time in. No matter what. This will help me for early mornings like this as well!

Stuck in the prairies with you

This week feels like a plateau week. Can't see a noticeable difference in the scales or measurements. Running may be the thing to shake this up! And to eat all of my scheduled meals!

Week seven: judgy, judgy

I don't want to be one of "those" girls. Picky and difficult. Then again maybe "those" girls only exist in movies.

I've always had that Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally thing about me - being allergic to dairy and lettuce and a host of other things makes it difficult already but now no rice, pasta, potatoes? I feel even more picky...or just a bit self-conscience.

This is obviously a thing with me and food. I just realized right this second: I think people are judging me when I eat. When I'm bigger, I think people are looking at me as I eat a bag of crisps and think "should she really be eating that?" And now I think they're looking at me as a difficult, picky and obnoxious person. I'm not sure what to do with that information really.

The eating and the moving part

Other than my psychological ephiphany, food is going good but all my brain work at my new job is tiring me out to the point I'm not hungry. I try my best to eat regularly and for the most part succeed. Thank god for our super healthy cafeteria.

Exercise is not so good. Getting on the bike but I've sometimes only put in 20 minutes. Not great but this means I have to plan better. I have to start running next week or I'll never be marathon ready! Any tips on how to get motivated? I know once I put a few weeks in I know I can get into it.

The awkward me

The food thing really makes me think of how I am when meeting people. I'm great meeting new people - can chat about anything - but when faced with telling if someone likes me, I'm fairly oblivious. My friend back home finds this hilarious. I assume as I'm nice to everyone, that everyone is just being nice back.

On the flip side, I don't like to draw attention to myself. Though I do have a bit of my own flair, I do like to dress up according to what the place/ situation demands. Being a chameleon makes me feel like I belong and makes it easier for people where I am to relate to me.

This means I'm also horrible at the "locked eyes across the bar" kind of thing. And yes, I know, people only know you're interested if you actually look at them, or smile, or go up to them. But I find it something I avoid. Its embarrassing for me. Happy to talk to a friend of a friend or meet people in a group, but the uncertainty of strangers when related to a potential dating situation? The sad thing is, I don't realize I'm doing it most of the time.

It leaves me in a place where I'm thought to flirting when I'm just being me and then when I think someone's cute, I'll avoid them or become a bumbling idiot. Anyone else feel that way?

This week's results

This week I've lost 2 pounds and a half inch here and there. People are beginning to notice and the miraculous trying on of the jeans that didn't fit for years. Yep. They fit.

Look ma! I'm wearing jeans!

Tonight, on a whim, I decided to try on jeans from the jean drawer. The jean drawer is a very special place where there are jeans that I dream of fitting back into. They've lived there for more than 2 years.

When I went shopping for clothes, I wouldn't let myself buy jeans. It was my goal to get into the pairs I already had.

Today is the first day they started to fit.

I cried. Putting on that pair of jeans made the work of the last 6 weeks really real. Really really real.

Happy amazed "I don't know where they came from" tears.

This day is better than the ones I saw those numbers drop on the scale or the inches drop from my waist.

I'm on my way. I'm well on my way.

Week six: tests and needles

Today I bit the bullet and went to the doctor for a physical. Part of me being an adult is taking care of my body. And that means going to the doctor.

I had full blood work (including a cholesterol and celiacs test), some vaccinations, and got in major trouble for not using my inhaler regularly. But my heart and lungs were good and had an allergist recommended to me.

I also mentioned in passing about this pain I often have in my left chest. I've always been told its asthma. Tight pain. Sore ribs. My doctor looked a bit startled and told me to go to go get an X-ray. I hope it's mostly covered by my insurance. I'm scared of actually seeing anyone for fear I won't be able to eat for the month.

Am I getting fit yet?

To finish my day I went for a fitness assessment so I can use the gym at work. I rocked the push-ups, sit-ups and cardio test but my flexibility has dropped to average (more yoga needed!!)

The only blip was my BMI and my fat percentage. Lots of fat pinching with the calipers was going on. Result? 31% body fat. Women should be between 20-25% I was told. But all the trainer said was "hey! You and I both know you've got this to work on but you're going to get there." And its true! Stepping on the scale and finding out I lost 20 pounds (yep! Hit 20 pounds lost!!) is a great motivator. When I told her that the lack of drinking, sugar and breads/pastas have helped, she said "Don't forget to live a little, you're not a nun."

My biggest worry

I have to confess as I move into week seven that I don't want to go back to the way things were before. I'm scared that if I venture into one drink or one pasta dish that it will lead to more and more. That it's easier to not indulge if I don't have it at all. This is a problem I have to solve. I'm great at all or nothing but moderation? Not so much.

Food has been good mostly due to the massive salad bar at work. I'll need to start bringing food or I will go crazy eating the same stuff every day. I have a fruit bowl and nuts and veggies in the fridge. Great for snacking in the in between times.

Exercise wise, I'm doing great but really need to pull in the running. I've been getting up at crazy hours so my schedule hasn't settled yet. But I'm still getting on the bike nearly everyday and reintroduced push-ups, back extensions, squats, crunches, planks and leg raises. It's part of the modified ab challenge I'm doing as a way to kick this off this month.

As for the rest of me...

I've lost 3.5 inches around my waist, 3 inches on my hips, 3 inches in my bust and 2 inches around my thighs. I'm glowing I'm so happy. People are definitely noticing and my check bones starting to make an appearance.

I have to say, I feel so much better and more like myself already. I'm only 25 pounds from the top BMI of my healthy range and 40 from my goal.

In three months I go back for another fitness assessment so I'll be working on losing this fat, gaining muscle in its place and stretching more. I should add more sleeping to the list but who sleeps when they start a new job, right? Especially as I'm one of the mad men now. ;)

A letter to my mom on Mother's Day

I remember you squinting in the sun at the camera. A hand over your eyes to block the light and your mouth half formed into words. It's how you are in most pictures, always something to say. Impatient for chubby fingers to press the button, for the shutter to open and close.

You called me your gypsy daughter. I don't know if that inspired me to explore hidden corners of the world, or if you just saw it in me. A little girl who climbed fences to visit elderly neighbors, who fearlessly bounded off to pre-school claiming home was boring, or who thought, at three, I could make it to the store and back after smelling doughnuts on the wind. I understood directions but still didn't understand the concept of money.

You fought for us - for our education, our place in the world, for people to notice us no matter what circumstances we came from. You told us to be whatever we wanted to be as long as we were happy. And reminded us that happiness came when we took care of ourselves - financially, physically and emotionally. Remember the same for yourself mom.

As the world is filled with light and dark, it wasn't always happy in our house and some days were dark but you did what you could to make our lives feel normal. Even the days you couldn't get out of bed, you turned it into a game. I never knew indoor picnics weren't an every household occurrence until I left home.

Sometimes (many times) we didn't agree. Teenagers are never easy and don't understand why parents push them to strive for any better. That 80% is good but to not forget the 20% that didn't make it into your brain.

I know that the day I told you I was moving out at 17 it was a shock to you. You told me I wouldn't make it because you didn't want me to leave. I know now that you just didn't know how to express that to me. I was terrified but I did it. I didn't want to lean on you but in the darkest times, you were that practical voice in my ear.

I don't know if I ever told you this but on those homesick days, I used to buy your shampoo so I could smell you around me. So I could feel like you were there even when I was miles away.

Today I've seen men, normally too cool or too busy to be fiddling with flowers, with bouquets in hands on their way to Mother's Day brunches. I imagine them as little boys eagerly awaiting this day with gifts of plaster of Paris hands or a newly sprouted bean in a cup bedazzled with colored macaroni. I'm sure they look pretty close to what I brought you too.

I can't be there to give you flowers and I won't be sitting by your side at dinner. But I wanted to let you know that I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I credit you for my sense of responsibility, my boldness, my self sufficiency and my determination. As your picture demonstrates, I think you're a big contributor to my quirky sense of humor as well.


And to the other mothers in my life - the women who gave me room to grow, took care of me when I was down and opened their homes to me as if I was one of their own - I am eternally grateful for you being a part of shaping who I am. Though we mark this day as Mother's Day, I'm thinking of you always.

Week five: slowly, slowly, slowly

Week 5? Really. Is it already here?

This feels unreal. Like I just started this journey yesterday but I'm getting closer to forming better habits...almost.

Yesterday was my first day at my new job. Good news: there is a cafeteria with a full salad bar, fruit and healthy choices every day. There is also a gym which I'm going to join for those days I need a little mid day fitness break. Lastly, there is coffee area (with decaf!) and a giant fridge to keep food in.

This giant fridge is going to be great for food that I ACTUALLY bring to work. Thinking about it will not make it appear. So basically one habit I'm having trouble forming is preparing food in advance! I needed refueling this afternoon but had no nuts, fruit or veggies to snack on. SOOOO...I am promising you folks in Internet land that I will have a fruit bowl on my desk and bring snack bags with just enough nuts for one portion so I can grab them on the go between meetings. And I'm also getting a one litre bottle to fill with water and drink at least two of them a day.

As for my exercise...

Running has been pretty non-existent and weight training lacking but I'm thankful every day for that bike of mine. No matter what I'm feeling like, I'll jump on it. This morning was supposed to be a run but it was bucketing rain so 30 minutes (7 miles) on the bike was a great substitute. Plus it gives me time to watch a TV show as I bike which is a favorite thing of mine to do! I think I've just not got into the habit/routine of my running/weights so I need to start adding that in.

Charlene is going to kill me as I have a 4 mile charity run this weekend and haven't been running. BUT I've been doing lots of cardio so hope that'll help me get over the finish line. Plus...I promise to take it easy :)

I hope in the next few weeks I can find a good routine. The first couple weeks at a new job and your brain feels like mush. So I expect to be tired but going to keep at it. Slowly, slowly, slowly.

Week 4: thinking clothes

So when you lose 15 pounds (like I can happily report I did this month), clothes start to get looser. It's exciting because it means you're getting somewhere even if you can't see the changes yet in the upictures.

I'm starting a new job in a couple days and so I'm having to get new clothes to fit the environment I'm heading to. My biggest worry is buying clothes that won't fit in a couple months.

On the advice of a few friends I have decided to venture back into the world of separates. I left that world 3 years ago after some of the weight piled on. Dresses were more comfy and easily accommodated the weight gain.

When I worked at home, I'd wear jeans on occasion so I would notice any weight gain. I'd cut back a bit and everything would even out. Once I started at an office, I wore leggings and dresses so I didn't notice the weight gain until the jeans didn't fit at all. It was really down hill from there.

I've decided on separates as I can keep tops for longer or trousers for longer (wherever I lose first) and hopefully I'll save money in the process and mix up my look a bit. Then I'll supplement with a few different tops as I go.

Not using food as reward

I've also decided my "treat" for losing weight will be clothes. In the past my reward was a fancy dinner, or something food related but clothes are more practical and get me away from food as reward.

I can't wait to lose weight now! I think I'll pick a few treat outfits and ask you next week what you think of them.

Food and exercise

Food was ok and still keeping to my diet plan despite my mom trying to tempt me otherwise. I'm also discovering that eating out can be ok. Most places will double the veggies for me so I'm not eating pasta or rice. Red Robins even prepared grilled salmon and broccoli for me - the only things not fried I think ;) I just bought "Practical Paleo" after a friend recommended it so I'm hoping to try some new recipes this week once I'm home. Being away isn't a very good time to experiment.

Exercise wasn't great and it snowed so I didn't run. Got cardio in everyday but the weight resistance stopped entirely. I'm back at it this Sunday with tough mudder training so hoping to get back on track to being super strong.

On a silly note, we nicknamed my pot belly Hector. So I'll be working on getting rid of him over the next coming months..."oh Hector, I remember all the good times we've had but really, you are not a good part of my life, and you must go."

Lost 2 pounds and an inch on the hips and the waist. Woohoo!